When I close my eyes and picture my grandpa, all I can see is his mischievous grin and that unmistakable twinkle in his eyes. I remember the way his shoulders would shake with laughter when he would tell stories from his childhood. That pride in his voice when he told us of the time he had dipped his classmate’s pigtails into his ink jar. I am sure none of the little girls wanted to sit in front of him at school after that. The teachers sure had their work cut out for them.

We sit together on the couch and she starts playing with my hair. Stroking it with her tiny fingers. She leans in close and whispers how beautiful I am.

Laughing I shoot and miss. Again. With a black controller in my hand I tell him how good he is at this game. He beams and patiently shows me once again- ‘A’ is to pass. ‘X’ is to slide. ‘B’ is to shoot. 

She comes alongside me as I prepare dinner. She asks to help and smiles wide when I tell her to pull up a chair. Together we put this and that into the pot. Together we serve.

She waits for me in her bed with a book in her hand. I curl up beside her and she starts to read. Some words come easily, others she takes her time to sound out. With each one her confidence grows and I get to share in her joy.

Tiny everyday miracles. Moments I try hard not to take for granted.

Today Selah informed me that when she is a mommy I will be the grandma.
That made me smile.
Then she assured me that when she’s a mommy she will buy me pretty earrings and necklaces.
And again I smiled.
They are so precious. The way their little minds work.

But tonight as I think over our little conversation my heart hurts…

What I would give to be able to buy my mommy pretty earrings and necklaces.
To hear my kids call her grandma.

Tomorrow marks twenty years.
Without her smile.
Her laugh.
Her wisdom.

Twenty years.
With a piece of my heart missing.

Twenty years.
Finding my own way as a woman.
Twelve of those as a wife.
Eight of those as a mom myself.

19 years is too long.
I miss her.
What would it be like to have her here with me?
There are so many things I would ask her.
So many things I would do with her.
If I could have just one day….