Last night we were at my dad’s house and my sister showed me something extremely special.
My mom’s journal.
A journal she started when she received her bone marrow transplant.
One that she wrote in just months before she died.
A journal that we didn’t even know existed until last night.

She wanted to record the road to her recovery….

I started reading it and had to stop because it was just too hard to take it all in at once. She wrote about how she was feeling. She wrote about our family. She wrote about us.
I picked it up again today and am broken inside.

The house is pretty quiet.
The girls are asleep, Chris has left to run a few errands and all I can hear is the soft sound of my son watching “Billy the Exterminator” on t.v.
Have you ever seen that show? Eww eww eww! 🙂

Anyways, I’ve been sitting here staring at my computer screen, writing, deleting, rewriting, then deleting some more.
Truth be told I’m a little scared.
I find myself not knowing exactly what to say….

When I was writing my “About” page, I included this:

Last night as Chris and I were falling asleep I mentioned that today would be 18 years since I lost my mom.
18 years. I had to let it sink in.
18 years since I last saw her smile.
Felt her hug.
Heard her laugh.

And although I have a beautiful Hope I am still sad.

18 years seems like a lifetime.
Sometimes the ache in my heart is so unbearable.
Sometimes I can’t stop the unexpected tears from coming.

18 years is too long.
I miss her.
What would it be like to have her here with me?
There are so many things I would ask her.
So many things I would do with her.
If I could have just one day….