The house is pretty quiet.
The girls are asleep, Chris has left to run a few errands and all I can hear is the soft sound of my son watching “Billy the Exterminator” on t.v.
Have you ever seen that show? Eww eww eww! 🙂
Anyways, I’ve been sitting here staring at my computer screen, writing, deleting, rewriting, then deleting some more.
Truth be told I’m a little scared.
I find myself not knowing exactly what to say….
When I was writing my “About” page, I included this:
Who am I?
I’m a girl saved by grace.
A wife to my best friend {he rocks!}
Mama to three precious littles here and three precious littles in heaven.
Just trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.
Three precious littles here… and three precious littles in heaven.
Big breath.
Not very many people know that.
That I have miscarried three times.
That three of my babies were returned to heavens arms before I got a chance to hold them in mine.
When I stop and think about the fact that Chris and I actually have 6 kids, it so overwhelms my heart. The kids all know that they have three siblings in heaven who get to play with their grandma. That picture grips my heart with joy and makes me want to cry all at the same time.
Writing through my grief is good. I have written lots about losing my mom and I have always found comfort in my writing. Even before I started blogging I always wrote whatever it was that I was feeling.
But writing about my three babies is something that I have never shared on here.
Maybe because I lost them all fairly early on. And a part of me tells myself that I shouldn’t feel the way I do, because I wasn’t further along.
I guess I felt maybe people just wouldn’t understand.
But I don’t think I’ve given you enough credit. I’m sorry.
Especially because some of you may be walking through this too.
Our most recent loss was just a couple months ago. I think perhaps I still haven’t quite sifted through the emotions of it. Most days I am fine. Truly. But I do have moments where I imagine how far along I’d be and what I’d be feeling. I imagine if they were boys or girls and how their little personalities would fit into our family.
The other day someone asked me if we were done having kids.
I joked about not being sure….but a part of my heart held tight to the grief. A part of me wanted to cry right there. While another part of me knows that it was just an innocent question- one that I truthfully don’t know the answer to.
I need to just give it all to God.
My loss.
My uncertainty.
My fear.
My guilt.
Lay all my burdens down at his feet.
Live in His peace.
His perfect peace.
A peace that surpasses all human understanding.
A peace that I can truly rest in.
Because there are things that happen here on this earth that I just don’t understand. But no matter what our family looks like, I know that He works all things together for good.
He will take the pieces of my wounded broken heart and put them together in the most amazing way to shine His light through.
I want Him to shine through my tears.
I want Him to be seen in my struggles.
And I want to see Him in my heart as it heals.
How do you deal with loss?
I love Jesus, my guy Chris + our four. We seek joy. Homeschool. Adventure together. Mess up and start again.
You know… I just read your about page yesterday… and saw that very statement about you having three babies in heaven. I said a prayer for you yesterday because although I haven't been there myself, I have watched one of my friends loose two babies late term. No matter what their age, they are still your children and that's a painful loss. But, as you've written, God is in control. It's a hard thing to say and harder to live by, but you are so very right.
I have no good "advice" about dealing with loss — except that I will lift you up in prayer, my friend.
you have 6 children {smile}. won't it be wonderful when we get home and all 6 of your childrens arms are wrapped around you and each other. oh that will be GLORIOUS!
when all the questions disappear, and we live in Knowing. when his glory is made known.
when i miss my son, i look forward to that day.
i love you friend.
you wrote this beautifully.
and i deal with loss in much of the same way. i write it out again, and again. i use to journal before blogging (i have 26 filled journals). sometimes i post them, sometimes i don't.
i have loss that i am writing/working out now. before posting it i seek grace. grace in my words, thoughts, posting… this has helped me in the healing process.
I am so sorry for your losses. I know what you are going through. Sometimes it bothers me when people make assumptions that my husband and I are selfish because we "only" have one. Such decisions aren't up to us, and very few people make their losses public. Sometimes I correct people, but most of the time I'm too stricken to say anything. I find that my grief comes and goes, and that I typically grieve after a bit of time has passed. In the past, I have made donations to children's charities in memory of. That way, some good came out of a too-brief life.
I'm so sorry to hear such sad news.
I too have felt what it feels like to loose a child early on. And no matter how far along you are, it hurts.
I agree with Heather, that grief comes and goes. And the way I deal with it, is just by talking to God about my feelings, whether it be sadness, anger, confusion, in the end I know He knows best, and I know your heart is in the same place!
I'll keep you in my prayers!
I have come back time and time again since first reading this post to say something. But that is the thing about suffering…most times there just are no right answers. In fact very rarely are there answers at all. I look forward to the day when we can sit in the presence of the One who does know. Until then, may a peace that surpasses our understanding be yours
Thank you for opening up and sharing the hard things in life with us Sara. Loss is such a difficult thing… I don't think we were meant for it… I have never dealt with it well, but am beginning to realize that is why there is heaven. This earth is just a passing place, heaven is the real thing 🙂
May God comfort you and give you a peace and joy and comfort that you never thought was possible!
Oh Sara, I too am a mother of a baby in heaven. It's been 10 years. My miscarriage happened early in my pregnancy. I also am a writer and God has used writing to help carry me through many days and difficult times. It is something I hadn't taken time for through parts of my life, but through my dad's illness and death three years ago, I began again. My dad was a minister and my spiritual mentor and I miss him every day. Isn't it amazing that we so often feel we are an island – that no one has experienced what we have? Yet they have – even more than we will ever know.
Your story touched my heart in a way that nothing else has since the loss of my baby. I thank you for sharing it. You portrayed in your writing exactly what's in my heart. Tears fell silently as I read it. The sharing of what's on your heart helps those of us that have experienced miscarriage and it helps those who haven't to better understand those of us who have.
When I finish my comment here I plant to hop over to my blog and post a link to your story. Parts of my own story (I tried to here, but it ended up being too long) will be my entry for today. Like you, I haven't shared in writing my experience, but you have inspired me to do so.
God Bless and your family!!!
it is hard to express my feelings and really hard for me to write about them. thank you for writing down what so many of us feel. after having 4 children and then taking what we thought were permanent measures, i became pregnant at 39 years old. adding to that surprise was finding out that i carrying twins, sweet little identical girls. i had carried the first 4 children without any problems at all, but this time i had several problems including a full month of bed rest. when i was 30-31 weeks along we found that 1 of the twins had passed away leaving us with no options but to deliver the other twin. the emotions were so varied. deep grief followed by elation that the other twin though small and fragile was doing so well. i was able to hold my dear little Annie for bit. now little emily is growing up so fast and we can't image what life would be without her. through out all of this it has been reaffirmed to me the Lord knows the plan and where we fit in it. even after 10 years there are times that i grieve the loss of annie generally when emily is hitting some milestone of life. knowing that our family will be together again, all of us, makes even the hardest days easier. without that knowledge the loss of annie would have be unbearable. time lessens the pain–i promise it does.
it does not matter how far along you are, from the moment you know you are expecting, the love of that child grows and grows. 3 weeks, 3 months, 7 months or full term, it is the same, the loss of a child and our heart aches to be their mother here and now.
Faith in the Lord includes have faith in His timing.
thank you for inspiring me to write my feelings down, even if this is just a small part of all i feel. it was time.
Shirley
damamabunny@cableone.net
Sara, You're so Awesome! I too am grateful to you for writing down your feelings. I have three boys 10,8,5. All three were healthy pregnancies and I am blessed. We always wanted a girl, so we tried. Three miscarriages later, I feel I am done. The last miscarriage was at 17 weeks and it was confirmed that it was a little girl. As much as I feel I was strong and that my Heavenly Father is watching out for me, it's still hard. It was only a few months ago and my 5 year old still asks when we will get our babies back. What am I suppose to say? I told him that we will get them back when we go to heaven. That he can help me raise them. He seemed fine with that, but my heart hurts when I see my boys long for a little sister. People say I was so strong and that they wouldn't have done as well, but I didn't feel like unloading on anyone.
Thank you for being so inspiring and for letting me know that there are others out there that feel the same way I do. You are a blessing!
Jacki
jacki@roperfam.com
you humble me with your ability to write this with such eloquence and understanding.
I didn't lose any babies… I just ache for those who have, for you.
Sara,
First off, thank you for your comment on my blog about my pet picture! Very sweet and I appreciate it so much.
Second, this flower pic above is gorgeous…and then I started reading your post…so..
Third, beautifully written and I ache with you. I also have a little one up in heaven. It was one of the hardest times in my life so I can't imagine losing three, let alone your mother at the age of 10. Thank you for sharing this and your faith. God is good. And what a comfort to know that we'll see them all some day in heaven.
I'm so glad He brought me to your blog..I'm an official follower now!
Stacey
you share your heart beautifully. i am proud of you for writing something that is so close to your heart and showing your vulnerability.
my heart is sad for your losses. i will be lifting you up my friend.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I came across your blog through a friend's and decided to keep scrolling down…when I came to this. I also suffered a loss in April at 10 weeks. Hardest thing I've ever gone through I think. It is nice to know there are others that feel the same way. I recently just put my emotions down on my blog (i usually don't express my innermost thoughts) and it was like sweet relief–to not have to suffer in silence. To just throw it out on the table. Anyways, thanks so much for sharing! PS I love the flower pic!
Sara,
First off, thank you for your comment on my blog about my pet picture! Very sweet and I appreciate it so much.
Second, this flower pic above is gorgeous…and then I started reading your post…so..
Third, beautifully written and I ache with you. I also have a little one up in heaven. It was one of the hardest times in my life so I can't imagine losing three, let alone your mother at the age of 10. Thank you for sharing this and your faith. God is good. And what a comfort to know that we'll see them all some day in heaven.
I'm so glad He brought me to your blog..I'm an official follower now!
Stacey