Today Selah informed me that when she is a mommy I will be the grandma.
That made me smile.
Then she assured me that when she’s a mommy she will buy me pretty earrings and necklaces.
And again I smiled.
They are so precious. The way their little minds work.
But tonight as I think over our little conversation my heart hurts…
What I would give to be able to buy my mommy pretty earrings and necklaces.
To hear my kids call her grandma.
Tomorrow marks twenty years.
Without her smile.
Her laugh.
Her wisdom.
Twenty years.
With a piece of my heart missing.
Twenty years.
Finding my own way as a woman.
Twelve of those as a wife.
Eight of those as a mom myself.
Time has not healed the pain.
It’s made some of the days easier…but hasn’t made me miss her any less.
In fact, I think it some ways it’s made me miss her more.
It’s hard for me to imagine what my life would be like with her here.
What would it be like to just call her up on the phone.
Hear her voice again.
When I allow myself to go down that road there is no stopping the tears.
I can barely see the keyboard tonight as I write this.
How can you really explain grief?
It takes shape in so many different ways at different times.
I don’t think it can be contained in words.
So, I’m just going to say that I miss her.
And I’m going to cry out to the One who sees every tear that falls.
The One who doesn’t need words to know exactly how I feel.
The One who comforts me on days like today.
Because I am a mess.
And to Him…tonight…that’s better than a Hallelujah.
xoxo
I love Jesus, my guy Chris + our four. We seek joy. Homeschool. Adventure together. Mess up and start again.
Oh Sar, I'm giving you a giant online hug! I will be lifting you up especially tomorrow! I know that your mom would be so so proud of the mom, wife & friend you are! Hugs!
Oh girl! I so know how you feel and yet I can't imagine going so long without her. For me, it's only been two years. Two hard years. And somehow I can already see that 20 will be just as hard. My heart goes out to you tonight. Thinking of you.
sara, i read this earlier tonight and have been trying to think of what to say that could possibly bring you any measure of comfort and i am at a loss for words. praying for you and the hole in your heart and wishing i could give you a big, giant hug.
Beautiful tribute. It hurts my heart just to think about it…
beautifully said, sara.
i'd expect that mothering, especially, would cause you to miss her more. oh how she would delight in you!
i wonder about the mysteries of God, about the "great cloud of witnesses," about "no eye has seen no ear has heard no mind can conceive." is it possible that your mother does see, does delight, does fight for you from that "great cloud of witnesses?" i wonder.
i ache for her loss. YOU. i ache for yours. her. i rejoice with you both that this world is not our home, that we are citizens of Heaven. i rejoice for "God's love better than life," and that you are bound to join your beautiful mother there in His love, when He calls you home.
and i wrap arms around you, squeeze tight. 20 years, ugh. and 20 years! closer to home.
i love you, friend.
i delight in the opportunity to be a "mess" with you.
I love you, sweet Sara. I wish I could be there with you and give you a big hug and cry with you. Death stings. It scares me that I will know that sting with some of my very closest loved ones. I don't even like to think about it.
But I am thankful that Jesus has conquered and that heaven awaits us, and there will be no tears, but worship and rejoicing. What would we do without that promise?
I know that doesn't make it any easier here on earth though. I pray that the Spirit fills you with His great compassion and peace. I pray that Jesus holds your hand and walked you and carries you through each step.
Sweet Sara! I am so glad I stopped to read this today. I will be praying for you. I love you. Peace of Christ to you!
I'm so sorry. I wish I could make it better. I'm praying for you today!
Hugs to you from across the miles! Your Mom would be so proud of you and all the ways you and Chris are raising your littles! You are in my prayers, friend…praying that you rest in His arms & remember His love.
Oh Sara. My heart hurts for you. Losing those we love is something that time never fully heals. And it makes us a mess again and again. I'm glad you know you can be a mess in your Father's arms. Hugs to you today friend. I pray you feel His presence and comfort.
Oh Sara. I am so very sorry. Tearing up here as I think about you.
This song always makes me weep. Praying you feel His arms around you. xo