Last summer we closed the doors to our little white church.
And even though my heart grieved (a lot) there was a small hint of excitement at what God would do next. Where we would go. What He would have us do. But as the days turned into weeks and the weeks turned into months and now a whole year has past I just don’t know anymore.
I am not doubting who God is (or what He can do.) I completely KNOW who He is and what He is capable of.
What I am doubting is me. My motives. My heart.
After being in ministry for years not having a church to go to anymore was hard. Very hard. We tried going to a few different churchs but nothing felt like home. And then we tried not going to church at all. And to be completely honest, it was nice to get away from all the politics, all the frustration, nice to sleep in and spend the day lazily around the house….but in the process I seemed to have lost my way. In a sense I’ve cocooned myself. Away from church has turned into away from God.
My heart has gotten lazy.
In all fairness I have had waves of intimacy with God throughout the last year. I can see how He has always been there for our family. I can even pinpoint moments when I’ve clearly heard his voice. There have been times this last year when I have felt closer to Him than I ever have before, when my heart has been so excited to seek Him. But that’s where it always seems to ends….in waves. Hot and then cold. Because laziness creeps in and I just stop trying.
And that laziness turns into adultery. For the better part of the year I have been cheating on God. I have put my kids, my family, my mothering, my blog, my friendships, my crafting, pretty much my everything before Him.
And all he’s gotten are the crumbs of my heart. The “whatever” that’s leftover. I have foolishly been giving it all away, only managing a weak prayer here and a hurried prayer there. How on earth do I expect my kids to know and love Him when I am not even taking the time for our relationship.
Because that’s what it takes. Time. And discipline.
Especially when He feels far away.
Especially when it’s just easier to turn on my computer and get lost for hours.
Especially when little fingers are constantly pulling on my jeans asking for one thing or another.
Especially when the laundry is never ending and I could fill up an entire week just wiping all the little fingerprints off the walls.
I NEED to take time to be with Him. I need to discipline my heart. It’s what he’s calling me to do. It’s what he has been calling me to do for the last year- and even before that. It’s just taken me to this point to realize that I need to change. Desperately change. Dramatically change.
And it’s taken a summer of slowing down.
A summer of unplugging.
A summer of focusing on the quiet.
And most recently a week away from my everydayness
to finally hear His voice loud and clear.
He misses me.
He is jealous for me.
He desires me- my best. My first. My whole heart.
This is nothing new, in fact I’ve written about it before, and yet I can feel the newness of it in the very dept of my heart.
He has called me out.
Exposed me.
He has shown me how I’ve been a spiritual adulteress.
I am embarrassed and so very saddened by how ugly it looks….. but God.
He is making me new.
He is transforming my ugly into beauty.
He is calling me to more.
I want Him
and
I miss Him.
It’s time to stop cheating.
What about you? Where are you at?
I love Jesus, my guy Chris + our four. We seek joy. Homeschool. Adventure together. Mess up and start again.
convicting post, my friend. Praying for opportunities and perseverance ….
Your little white church sounds exactly like the Church I attend and love dearly (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) I was raised Catholic but only came to realize the true depth of the potential of my relationship to God a few years ago. Like your Church community – members are called to serve, to give talks during Sacrament, serve one another both through callings and through any way we see fit to help our fellow members and non members – to love and care for our brothers and sisters. Our ward family has been one of the greatest blessings in my life.
Through the atonement, I have completely changed my life for the better, I can truly say I am now the person I was always destined to be. I am the person I always knew I could be but didn't have the strength to get there.
As I read your blog, I know that so much of what you feel corresponds with our core beliefs. Pray about it with a sincere heart and a contrite spirit. I know the Lord has great things in store for your family. Have faith and He will lead you. Much love and prayers to you and your lovely family.
Amazing…just amazing. I can honestly say that even serving in the church at times has been a distraction from actually spending time with God. In other words- my time spent doing things for God was greater than my time spent with God. I think that it is so hard with these little children who need us from waking until bed time to spend as much time with God as we would like to…at least that's how I feel most of the time.
Beautiful. This post touched on something that I have been dealing with also.
Thank you.
I know God very personaly. I don't think I could make it through my long nights with Bubba with out him. I don't think I could forgive the stares or unkind words from strangers with out him. I don't think I could be the mother and wife I want to be with out him. These past several months have been hard while Bubba is recovering from his last surgeries…. I have not been able to go as often as I would LOVE to. I am also a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (like Anonymous above) and am grateful for the chances that I have to serve and learn through serving.
You have a heart of Gold and God knows that. You are in my heart and prayers.
BIG HUGS
Sara,
Thank you for your honesty and sharing your heart. I think we all go in waves. I have been in a similar spot and have to remind myself that He is JEALOUS for me every day. He is jealous for me. He deserves me. And not just a little part of me. ALL of me.
The wonderful thing is that He is always there. Waiting for his prodigal daughter to come home with open arms.
Love and hugs to you and thank you for posting this!
What an amazing post. It truly truly spoke to my heart. We fill our lives with so many things, yes-even good things…but we need to first be filled with HIM.
I know I've shared how tough that first year with Brayden was. I think satan can isolate us when we're not in fellowship with other Christians and more importantly with our Father in heaven. I felt Him pulling on me, pulling on my heart, asking for more time.
I have SO far to go, but I understand this feeling you speak of. There's no place like "home" in a church that feels like just that.
Your writing is unparalleled- still waiting on that book of yours 😉 for real!!!! Truly awesome writing, my friend.
A blessing to me! Thank you. At times I think we are all guilty of this to some extent and it takes courage to acknowledge it for what it is!
{tears}… very convicting.
i know that this is/has been me… thank you for your courage to share your heart. you did a great job.
Your little white church sounds exactly like the Church I attend and love dearly (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) I was raised Catholic but only came to realize the true depth of the potential of my relationship to God a few years ago. Like your Church community – members are called to serve, to give talks during Sacrament, serve one another both through callings and through any way we see fit to help our fellow members and non members – to love and care for our brothers and sisters. Our ward family has been one of the greatest blessings in my life.
Through the atonement, I have completely changed my life for the better, I can truly say I am now the person I was always destined to be. I am the person I always knew I could be but didn't have the strength to get there.
As I read your blog, I know that so much of what you feel corresponds with our core beliefs. Pray about it with a sincere heart and a contrite spirit. I know the Lord has great things in store for your family. Have faith and He will lead you. Much love and prayers to you and your lovely family.
Beautiful. This post touched on something that I have been dealing with also.
Thank you.
{tears}… very convicting.
i know that this is/has been me… thank you for your courage to share your heart. you did a great job.