If you had asked me last week to describe what my relationship with God “felt” like, that is what I would have said.
Most days I had the ability to numb myself to the elements. I could go about my day and not really notice the fact that I felt so alone, but if I took the time to really think about it, I did in fact feel deserted.
I really missed the closeness I once had with God. It felt like he was so very far away. And try as I may I just could not find Him. A lasting Him. Not simply a moments Him.
If you ask me what my relationship with God feels like today I would show you the same picture, only this time I am not struggling to walk alone. I am being carried….
I’m a third of the way through the study Jesus in 90 days and I am finding Him. I am discovering His beauty, His compassion, His heart in ways that I have never known. I am in fact falling in love with Him all over again. And I am finding freedom.
Freedom from bitterness towards circumstances, towards church, towards christians.
Freedom from bitterness towards Him.
As I get to know Him again… I cant help but allow Him to soften my heart and heal my wounds. I can`t help but LOVE Him.
As I started to write this post I remembered a message that I saw a few years ago at church.
At the time it brought comfort… but after watching it again I am overwhelmed.
It’s about 10 minutes long, but I promise you the picture he paints is so beautiful. So very like our God….
Today, I am even more convinced of the fact that God is in fact carrying me. I am even more convinced of the fact that He wants to protect us from all the storms in our lives. That He wants to hold us tight and keep us safe.
I sit here and picture Him cuddling me whispering:
“I love you buddy…we’re gonna make it….Dad knows the way…”
I hear His whisper today, as I struggle to “find my place” in the world.
I hear it as I walk through this painful process of facing my insecurities.
But I also hear it in the hospital room at 10 years old after losing my mom.
“I love you buddy…we’re gonna make it….Dad knows the way…”
I hear it as I sit in my teenage room struggling with shame and rejection.
“I love you buddy…we’re gonna make it….Dad knows the way…”
I hear it on the days when I`m fighting with Chris.
“I love you buddy…we’re gonna make it….Dad knows the way…”
I hear it as I walk through two miscarriages.
“I love you buddy…we’re gonna make it….Dad knows the way…”
I hear it after losing my little white church.
“I love you buddy…we’re gonna make it….Dad knows the way…”
I hear it on the days when I want to give up. Days when I feel like the worst mom in the world.
“I love you buddy…we’re gonna make it….Dad knows the way…”
I hear it whenever I feel like my little world is closing in on me.
“I love you buddy…we’re gonna make it….Dad knows the way…”
His sweet whisper.
He loves me. We’re gonna make it. He knows the way.
And just like the baby in the video clung to his daddy, I cling to mine. Some days I cling to Him helpless, afraid, frustrated and just let Him carry me.
What are you walking through? What have you walked through? Is it raining? Pouring?
Has it ever poured so hard that you’ve felt like you were drowning?
Can you hear Him whispering over and over again:
“I love you buddy…..We’re gonna make it…..Dad knows the way….I love you buddy….We`re gonna make it…Dad knows the way…I love you buddy….”
I love Jesus, my guy Chris + our four. We seek joy. Homeschool. Adventure together. Mess up and start again.
Sara- that is beautiful. I too feel like God is carrying me ALL the time…and I think that's the way I want it to stay 🙂
Thanks Sara for sharing this! I will watch the video when I can sit peacefully for a moment! I do echo that thought of being carried literally by the Lord these days. On days when I'm so burnt out from lack of sleep and toddler challenges – I ask the Lord to hold me like I hold J! I'm so glad you're growing through the 90 days – I am sorry, I'm not making it. ONce I finally got the book returned & was thinking to return it, I decided to use the one my MIL had brought for me. It's taking me a LONG time to get through it & the other 10 books I have on the go to learn to be a better parent! I will keep it in mind in the future! I look forward to catching up with you ONE day! Bless you!
I gave you an award over at my blog. Happy Friday sweet sister 🙂
A beautiful post…so glad that I stopped by….Love your blog.. Hope you will stop by…I just added some extra giveaways…
So glad to have a few hours to blog hop.
Teresa
http://teresa-grammygirlfriend.blogspot.com/
You have such a beautiful way with words Sara. I haven't seen that video for a number of years now. I'm not sure where there was more rain – on the video, or streaming down my cheeks.
beautiful post sara. with every word, i'm thinking how i wish i could just sit with you, look at you, listen to you, to let the jesus in me sit with the jesus in you.
i've been here. in fact while i was in this season a friend played for me the rain, rob bell video. i cried, and held on to my father.
may God continue to shape and mold you into the sort of beauty He wants you to be today and tomorrow for His glory.
Sara … I had bookmarked this post to come back and read it when I had more time… and this morning was just that.
Your words are extremely fitting for me right now as we wait for word about jobs, as I travel today for my interview… they are just what I needed to be reminded of.
Thank you for sharing your heart. I am so thrilled for you for what God is doing in your life and in your heart.
He loves me. We're gonna make it. He knows the way.
I cling to this today.
Sara, this is an incredible post. You are such a gifted writer. I watched the entire video and WOW. It gives me perspective and also inspires me to read this book you mention. I have some situations in my life that just knaw at me, that are so hurtful…and completely out of my control. I need to give it to Him- the one who carries me and protects me…and loves me. Thank you for the reminder, I'm going to check amazon for the book.
You have such a beautiful way with words Sara. I haven't seen that video for a number of years now. I'm not sure where there was more rain – on the video, or streaming down my cheeks.
beautiful post sara. with every word, i'm thinking how i wish i could just sit with you, look at you, listen to you, to let the jesus in me sit with the jesus in you.
i've been here. in fact while i was in this season a friend played for me the rain, rob bell video. i cried, and held on to my father.
may God continue to shape and mold you into the sort of beauty He wants you to be today and tomorrow for His glory.