:: straight up yelled at my kids
:: cursed under my breath as my 11 year old stomped off to his room
:: cried in the bathroom, feeling like a complete failure
:: took the kids to an afternoon matinee, just because
:: snuggled in bed with my girl as she read to me
:: lost in a game of chess to my boy
:: haven’t done a single load of laundry
:: started reading the Word one on one with my boy
:: have done 12 braids in little girl hair
:: put a movie on in the van for the kids to watch just so that I could have a little peace….and then drove through the McDonalds line, ordering a fountain pop and cookies all around
:: called for Chinese food, because I wanted to watch an episode of “Strong Medicine” on Netflix instead of making dinner
:: conspired with the kids to surprise daddy with a romantic candlelight dinner, promising to pay them each a dollar if they stayed downstairs the entire time we ate our dinner
:: played “I love you more than….” with my 4 year old
:: pressed the snooze button every morning choosing sleep over working out
From as far back as I can remember I have always wanted everyone to like me. I needed them to. I desperately craved acceptance. It didn’t matter if I was being real or not, all that mattered was that they liked me. Enter people pleasing Sara.
Years and years of pretending.
But something is shifting in me. I am too tired to act anymore. I just don’t have it in me. I need to be real. And the reality is- I am a mess. A messy mess. And I can’t pretend that I’m not.
This week (and every week, for that matter) was a mix of joy and failure. Tears and high fives. We don’t like to talk about the hard. The ugly. But what I’m realizing is that I am craving authenticity, and it has to start with me.
So…..who’s with me?
I love Jesus, my guy Chris + our four. We seek joy. Homeschool. Adventure together. Mess up and start again.
I could have written some of this. I am a people pleaser and have always wanted people to like me. Always. Still do. But, it wears on me and im starting to get over it. Still a work in progress…. :). And i love the realness. who hasnt yelled at their kids? Guilty here. 😉 and my kids love Mcdonalds. Sometimes it's just easier. And thats ok by me. :). Im with you!
There are only few in this world I try to please. If one does not like me then just leave me. If I do not like one, I just leave them be. I've always known that I was a little weird and awkward… and I've accepted it. =)
Lately, I have been eating a lot of candy — like going through one or two bags of Starbursts a week! Totally not me.
Hope your date went well with your husband. That is so sweet.
Oh sweet Sara. I love your realness and can totally relate with your post. Hugs, mama. You are doing an amazing job. And I'm so glad I'm not the only one that has pressed the snooze button every morning (for the past month) instead of going to work out. xoxo
I love your honesty and vulnerability, Sara. It is so inspiring. Hugs to you!