The end of an era…

A few weeks ago we made a decision.
A decision that is right for our family.
We prayed about it.
We talked about it.
And after much of both these things,
we finally decided….

There will be no more babies for us.

And while I know that it is the right decision for our family,
I am still sad.
So very, very sad.
{Tear}

While we drove to Chris’ (ahem) appointment I had the sudden panic of “what are we doing?!” and told him I thought we should turn around and go home. His look was priceless {ha! it took much mental preparation on his part to even book this appointment!} He would have indeed turned the car around but I got ahold of myself and agreed that we were making the right choice.

But while he was in there I cried.
And my heart broke on the way home.

It’s just that it’s the end of an era.
It’s the end to such a special time in our lives.
Having wee babes.

While a part of me is happy that we will be moving on to a new and exciting chapter in our lives as a family, another part grieves the fact that I will never be pregnant again. That I will never give birth again and hold a new fresh from heaven babe…{well, at least until my sister has one}

Maybe a bigger part of it is that I am unsure of how my life is going to change.
I have been home raising babies for the last 7 1/2 years.
In 5 years all my babies will be in school.
What will I do then?

Now, I know some of you are thinking...”Umm hello?!?! You just had a baby! You still have a baby! And you are still IN baby mode!” and you’re right.

I do feel kinda silly writing this.
But my heart is torn. I feel like my heart is going to burst from all the joy I have being a mama. But I also feel like time is slipping away much too quickly. I feel like time is in hyper speed mode. It seems to be slipping through my fingers a lot quicker this time around. I can hardly believe that our littlest is 2 1/2 months old already!

And so, I am trying to savor every snuggle.
Every smile.
Every little yawn.
And yup, even every dirty diaper.

Last night as I was nursing her I started crying.
I was just so overwhelmed.
She is just so perfect.
I am so very humbled.

That God would choose me to be her mama.
That He would choose me to be mama to all four of these joys.

I can hardly grasp the magnitude of what he has intrusted me with.
I am so very thankful for these four.
I am overwhelmed by them.
My heart just can’t contain the love I have for them.
Oh how my cup overflows…