A better story…

God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.
Ephesians 3:20-21 (The Message)

God can do anything.
Anything.
More than we could ever imagine
or guess
or request
in our WILDEST dreams.
Not by pushing us around.
But by working within us.
His Spirit deeply.
Gently.
Within us.

In the last little while I’ve noticed that there has indeed been a deep, ever so gentle work happening in my heart over the past year or so.
God has been whispering a better story for me.
Let me try and explain….

I just finished reading the book “A Million Miles in a Thousand Years” by Donald Miller which, by the way, has completely pulled the rug out from under my feet. Miller suggests that just like an author can write a boring or exciting story, we can also choose to write for ourselves boring or exciting lives (essentially stories). We can actually choose to be boring or exciting characters.

When I stop and really look at my life I have to admit that I am probably not the most exciting character around. Truly. If someone were to watch my life on the big screen I’m pretty sure they’d get up and walk out of the theater. Hey, I’d probably get up and walk out too 🙂
My life is just not all that exciting to watch. I suppose I have allowed myself to get lost in the shuffle. The shuffle of life. The mundane. The average. The day to day. The not so very exciting.

Have you ever read a book that you’ve had to push your way through in the beginning and then once you get past those first few “boring chapters” you are so engrossed that you can’t put it down? Then after finishing it you are so glad that you were able to push through to get to the end?

I feel like that’s the story I’ve been living. And this year is all about shifting from those crazy boring first couple of chapters and into the amazing-I-just-can’t-put-this book-down chapters.

Miller writes:
{Writing a story isn’t about making your peaceful fantasies come true. The whole point of a story is the character arc. You didn’t think that joy could change a person did you? Joy is what you feel when the conflict is over. But it’s the conflict that changes a person. People love to have lived a great story, but few people like the work it takes to make it happen. But joy costs pain.}

Friends, my perspective is changing.
Joy costs pain.
When I look back over my life I can see this truth in many parts of my story. Losing my mom. My struggle with drugs. Losing our babies. I have learnt to cling to my God through these painful times and come out with joy on the other side.
But for some reason when it came to losing our church I’ve rebelled against the notion that joy costs pain.
And I’m realizing that sadly, the conflict of losing our little white church has indeed changed me. It’s made my heart bitter. Rather than drawing near to the Father through all this and finding joy, I’ve pulled away. I’ve judged the different church’s we’ve tried. I’ve complained about losing my family and longed to go back in time to when it was all easier. I’ve given up on God when it comes to finding a church family.
I’ve forgotten that joy costs pain.
Well friends, it seems I’ve been reminded.
🙂

Let me just admit that at this point I have absolutely no idea what this is all going to look like. How this change in character is going to unfold.
All I know is that it is time.
The best way I know how to start (because remember, simply desiring change isn’t enough to actually see change happen, there has to be some kind of action) is to go to the Author and ask Him what I’m to do each and every day. To pray specifically for my story… ultimately, for my part in His story. Because at the end of the day that’s really what it’s all about.
Him.
His story.
And I’m just a character that he has invited in to be a part of it.

Rather than resolutions this year, I am choosing a word for 2011. A word that I can focus on and will hopefully keep me on the right track this year.
My word for 2011 is character. I am going to allow God to write my story. I am going to choose to live a better story and be a better character.

But, can I make a confession?
To be completely honest I am scared. I am scared that I will use excuses to stay the same. What I mean by that is that I’m scared I will use the excuse of having a baby this year to keep me from going after a better story. I’m scared that it will keep me from chasing after the character I want to be.
I’m worried I will get swallowed up in the everyday-ness of raising a family.
Please, oh please, hear my heart. I am overjoyed at the reality of adding another little joy to our family. I absolutely love being a mama. I love staying home and taking care of my family. Love it.
And I know that this is a challenging season. Lack of sleep, physical changes, lack of patience due to lack of sleep 🙂

But there is also this yearning in my heart to be more. For God. For my family. For me and for others. And so, I am choosing to lay this fear at the cross. Because I know that God knows that this is the season I’m entering into and that He will be my strength. He knows I’m just weeks away from having a sweet babe and yet He is stirring my heart. He is working deeply, gently within my heart. Promising more than I could ever dare to ask, dream or imagine….