struggled with the idea of publishing it.
See, when I am upset or confused about something it helps to write through it.
I find that God speaks to me as I write.
He opens my eyes to His truth within my circumstances.
And so, after much inner debate, I have decided to go ahead and publish this with the chance that maybe it might encourage someone, or at the very least it will be a post in which I can look back on and see just where
I was at in this season.}
Tonight I had a hard conversation with Chris.
About God and church and ministry and where I fit into the whole thing. Sometimes I feel like within the church circle I am just “Chris’ wife.” He is the worship leader and I am the wife. Is it bad that I want to be more?
I laid it out as I saw it, insecurities and all, my heart raw waiting for his response….
And just as I feared, his words were hard to hear. They made my guard go up and I quickly found myself on the defense. It wasn’t even that bad, what he said, but it hurt because deep down inside I know it to be true.
“You need to be yourself. You will always fall short if you fail to be yourself.”
I do, in fact, have an extremely hard time being myself. I worry much too much about what others are going to think of me. I hold back my opinions and keep my ideas to myself because I’m worried about what I will look like. What others will think of me.
The problem is that even though I know this about myself in theory, most of the time (in the moment) I actually feel like I am being myself. A little reserved, but still myself.
But tonight, the harsh reality of Chris’ words have sunk deep inside my heart and opened my eyes to the fact that when I am holding myself back I am actually being fake. I am only being a part of me. Not the whole me.
Does that make sense?
Right now, in my life, I am feeling impatient. I want to live in the fullness that God has for me, and yet I feel like I am held back. Rather, perhaps I am holding myself back. I am afraid. There. I said it. I am afraid that if I do actually step out on the limb, I might fail. People might not care about what I do. They (gasp) might not all like me.
See, I want to be more. There is something inside me that just screams to be heard. And yet I don’t know how to get it out. I don’t even know what exactly it is that needs to get out, but with every part of my being I feel it.
(I hate even writing that because I don’t want to sound conceited. See, even as I write this I am worried about what you thinking of me. Ugh.)
And yet, I can’t deny it.
Even though I have no idea what it will look like.
I’m pretty sure I’m not making any sense to most of you…. and for that I am sorry. It is 12:37 am right now and all I can do to write what is on my heart. I need to get it out so that I can actually go to sleep!
🙂
Ok, so maybe the best way I know how to describe it is that I feel like I am somewhat living in the shadow of who I am called to be…. but I don’t know how to step up into the light.
Chris says I need to have confidence. Just be. Problem is I am not a naturally confident person.
Yes, I am confident that God wants to use me but I am not confident in my ability.
And maybe that is what is tripping me up in the first place. My ability.
If it was left up to my ability it would be a problem. I would fail.
But it’s not.
It’s only my willingness that is required. If I am willing it will be God’s ability in and through me- NOT my own. Hmmmm…. somewhere along the line I have forgotten that.
It’s not about me. It’s about HIM.
So, the question then stands: Am I willing? Am I willing to be stretched right now in our new church? Am I willing to trust that God has me right where he wants me? That this transition is actually in his plan? A part of the way he is molding me? Am I willing to believe that I have a purpose? I have a voice, in which God is wanting to use?
And will I let him use me? Or will I hide behind my idea of what it all should all look like? Will I hide behind the “call” I think I might have? Will I hide behind all the dreams I have… and in the process fail to live.
To live in the moment. The here and now of where God has me.
To be used today rather than wait for tomorrow.
Can I recognize the growth that is taking place. The way in which I am already living some of those dreams I had so very long ago….
He wants to use us.
Today.
Now.
Not when we have it all together, but when we are weak, moldable, and fully aware of just who He is.
It’s in our weakness that He is strong.
Being yourself?
Feeling like there is more?
I love Jesus, my guy Chris + our four. We seek joy. Homeschool. Adventure together. Mess up and start again.
first, you are beautiful.
i could have written this same post,and signed it with my name.
and i could have written this post a number of times.
how i'd love to sit down with you sara and have along conversation, not typed, but so you could see the expression on my face, the want for you, the understanding. so you too could hear the things i don't say on my blog,out of fear of rejection.
i'm currently reading a donald millers new book "a million miles in a thousand years"
here is one sentence "you can't go on without a story any longer than you can go on reading a book about nothing."
and i feel like i have been doing that, living without a story. i'm bored. bored with life, with church, with home-schooling, with my kids, with jesus. but it's my fault. and i'm not going to be a book about nothing anymore! because God calls us to live in the full. and i'm going to live a good story.
may God, the Author of our lives, shape and mold us, grow and move us, make the characters in our stories different at the end than they were in the beginning, may we live the stories He has written for us, and glorify Him! touching others, inspiring others, loving others, along the way…receiving the same. Taking hold of the life in the full that isn't just meant for eternity but meant for here, now in Christ Jesus.
oh Sara – I feel like this is something I have struggled with since high school. Scratch that – I think I've always struggled with it.
Wanting to project an image that people will like, even if it means not being totally myself. The feeling like sometimes I am walking around wearing a mask. Sometimes I feel like I'm getting better, but I know I still feel like I default to that when I am uncomfortable. And it is so hard to get past that.
And to be perfectly honest, I am most guilty of this when it comes to sharing my faith with others. I can distinctly remember times in worship when I was more concerned with how I looked to others than worshiping God. Ouch – it pains me to admit that out loud but it is the truth.
I read through your post with a lot of "uh huh's" and "yup that's me". Just know that you are not alone in this struggle.
first, you are beautiful.
i could have written this same post,and signed it with my name.
and i could have written this post a number of times.
how i'd love to sit down with you sara and have along conversation, not typed, but so you could see the expression on my face, the want for you, the understanding. so you too could hear the things i don't say on my blog,out of fear of rejection.
i'm currently reading a donald millers new book "a million miles in a thousand years"
here is one sentence "you can't go on without a story any longer than you can go on reading a book about nothing."
and i feel like i have been doing that, living without a story. i'm bored. bored with life, with church, with home-schooling, with my kids, with jesus. but it's my fault. and i'm not going to be a book about nothing anymore! because God calls us to live in the full. and i'm going to live a good story.
may God, the Author of our lives, shape and mold us, grow and move us, make the characters in our stories different at the end than they were in the beginning, may we live the stories He has written for us, and glorify Him! touching others, inspiring others, loving others, along the way…receiving the same. Taking hold of the life in the full that isn't just meant for eternity but meant for here, now in Christ Jesus.